AVOIDING DQ CAN NET MARINERS 2ND SACKER $625-LARGE: We’ve all enjoyed the concert venue riders on The Smoking Gun over the years. The sports version of those are amusing contract clauses, and LION IN OIL spots some absurd stipulations in M’s second baseman Jose Lopez’s 5-year, $13.7M deal with Seattle.

Beyond the usual award bonuses, the ASSOCIATED PRESS reports Lopez “could earn another $125,000 annually by passing four, in-season tests: body-fat percentage, a 60-yard sprint, a 20-yard shuttle run and a vertical jump.”

Each of those milestones for the MLB human millstone nets $25,000. If Lopez passes all four tests, he’s gifted another $25,000. More astonishing is that over the life of Lopez’s six-year deal with Seattle, he can earn $625,000 by staying away from the the Dairy Queen drive-thru.