Jordan Does Not Have to Pay Woman for Sex

Michael Jordan, whose latest claim to fame was to be listed in Paul McCartney’s divorce coverage as the biggest loser in a celebrity divorce settlement, can finally start working on his nest egg now that the Illinois Supreme Court has declined to hear the appeal of a woman that claimed to bear Jordan’s love child and his promise of $5m in hush money.

young Michael Jordan

(No, the shoes didn’t help you here, but a condom would have)

The charming young lady, Karla Knafel, claimed Jordan promised her the cash to not tell anyone about her 1991 pregnancy or file a paternity suit. When she came forward to try to get the cash in 2002, Jordan counter-sued for extortion and was proven not to be the successful sperm donor through DNA tests.

Naturally, Jordan didn’t win the case on the merits of his fidelity to Juanita; the state appeals court found that he didn’t have to pay Knafel because the purported deal was based on her pregnancy and not her availability to NBA stars.

Jordan can now return to being a lecherous divorcĂ©e and Knafel can return to her NBA groupie stereotype slot, even 15 years later. Everybody wins! (Except, you know, the exact opposite. Reminder to NBA players: Xbox 360s don’t ask for child support. Reminder to NBA groupies: Xbox 360s don’t fight you for child support. This message has been brought to you by Microsoft.)