Jonathan Papelbon Is A [Expletive] Human Being

Boston 2029 A.D. - The machine rose from the ashes of the nuclear fire. His war to exterminate mankind has raged for decades, but his final battle would not be fought in the future. It would be fought here, in our present. Oops, wait a second, that’s the intro to The Terminator isn’t it? That movie was about machines, and you know who isn’t a machine? Jonathan Papelbon.

papelbon is human

The Boston Red Sox closer has proved as much recently, blowing a save last Tuesday and nearly blowing another one on Sunday. This after he hadn’t allowed a run in 20 1/3 innings during a stretch that lasted from July 21st to September 8th.

Still, his recent struggles have some folks in the Boston media worried about him, and Jonathan’s not too happy about it.  What Jonathan wants to know is, if you prick him, does he not [expletive] bleed?


“I’m very happy,” Papelbon said before last night’s game. “I’m not worried at all. That’s like I said yesterday - I’ll let [NESN broadcasters] Tom Caron and Dennis Eckersley worry about it. I’m not worried about it. They seem to be more worried about it than I even am.

“Here’s the deal. Here’s what everybody - including Tom and all the reporters - [expletive], I’m a human. You know? I’m not a machine. And, [expletive], a machine breaks down sometimes, too.

Then Papelbon’s eyes turned a glowing red and began shooting lasers at the throngs of media surrounding his locker, killing four and wounding Dan Shaughnessy. See? Even machines make mistakes sometimes.

It’s pretty hard to argue with Papelbon’s defense, because I’m pretty sure he is mostly human. I’d say the ratio is probably 51% human, 49% dancing machine: