Jimmy Connors Arrested After UCSB B-Ball Game

You wouldn’t think that the UC-Santa Barbara Gauchos are much to get worked up over, but for Jimmy Connors, it was enough to land him in jail. According to the LOS ANGELES TIMES, Connors was arrested just outside the entrance to the probably misnamed “Thunderdome” following a confrontation.

Jimmy Connors ACTION
(Kinda looks like Jason Bateman a bit.)

It wasn’t murder or anything, since Connors has already been released, but the Santa Barbara police department won’t divulge what Connors’ crime was. That won’t stop us from our favorite recreational activity: reckless speculation!

(Our lawyers have instructed us to state that everything that follows is one man’s opinion and should not in any way be construed as factual in any way.)

Okay, so. We know Connors had his run-ins with the ATP while he was playing, but ATP president Arthur Ashe is no longer with us. But perhaps Connors’ feud went so deep that he hates everyone named Arthur and flies into a blind rage whenever he sees or hears the name. Also, we made this up have it on good authority that UCSB has a ticket taker named Arthur. There you go. Two punches to the face later, simple assault, off we go.

Or perhaps it was indecent exposure after Connors grossly misinterpreted an offhand statement about this UCSB Gaucho.

Our strongest intelligence, though, leads us to believe that Connors is working as an henchman of Carmen Sandiego. Through the extraordinary work of three Gumshoes and recon from secret agents/a capella wizards Rockapella, Connors was arrested right before he could steal the Thunderdome!

Seriously, how are people supposed to steal giant buildings? That’s what I never got about that show. But I digress. “Jimmy Connors… in jail!