Jim Fassel Really, Really Wants The Raiders Job

After the horror that has been the Oakland Raiders franchise since 2003, you’d think that nobody in their right mind would want to coach there. I mean, you’d have to be incredibly stupid to even consider an offer, much less…

Many Fassels

Oh, hello, Jim Fassel! You might have a severe head injury, because nobody of any mental stability would ever, ever, ever do anything as reckless as, say, contacting Al Davis to request the Oakland coaching job. But according to ESPN, Fassel sent a hand-written letter to Davis, kissing his wrinkled posterior in hopes of taking over for the utterly miserable Tom Cable in 2009.

We don’t even know where to begin with this letter, which is such an egregious example of poor judgment that Fassel shouldn’t be gainfully employed by anyone higher than Arby’s. People have been sent to jail for less. Davis might hire Fassel, but then he’ll surround his new coach with subpar-to-NAIA-level talent and a cadre of assistants that changes by the week. Left tackle misses a block? Time to blow up the whole staff. What could possibly go wrong?

Also, we should warn you that all of this story is according to Chris Mortensen, who’s absolutely atrocious in his fact-checking and whose sole function is as a mouthpiece for numerous NFL front office men. It doesn’t matter if there’s a shred of truth to it or not, if you work for a team and you want to see it on ESPN, tell Mort and wait an hour. Next week, we might see a story about how LaDainian Tomlinson’s arms are actually filled with chicken salad and he’s a reverse vampire space alien with herpes. San Diego staff, make it happen.