Steelers’ Harrison Should Stop Hitting For Awhile

Steelers All-Pro linebacker James Harrison has brought fans wearing black and gold numerous memorable hits, including against those that merely wander near the field of play wearing the enemy’s colors…

… which is utterly hilarious until this morning. Harrison was accused of applying the same communications skills to his girlfriend last night by chasing her into the bathroom, kicking down the door, snapping her cell phone in half, and slapping her across her left cheek.

Harrison has apparently admitted as much to police and been charged with simple battery and criminal mischief, both of which only sound simple and mischievous when they happen to someone else.

Since football players often have a difficult time leaving the violence of the football field behind when they step outside the white lines, here is a card for all football players to carry in their wallets. Please print this out, laminate it, and have it with you at all times.

I am a football player. May I hit this person?

1. Are you playing football?
2. If so, is the person you wish to hit also playing football?
3. If you are both playing football, are you sure you will not receive a penalty, fine, suspension, or prison term for hitting this person?

If the answer is no for any of these questions, you may not hit this person. There are no exceptions. If you have any questions, call your lawyer and/or pastor.