It’s Official, Apparently: Tom Brady Going To Hell

Ever wonder which of your favorite athletes will be unavailable to sign autographs in Heaven? In case you were planning on hobnobbing with Tom Brady up there, think again. According to one North Carolina church, he’ll be hanging out in the other pace. And they don’t mean Newark.

The Devil and Tom Brady

According to the Amazing Grace Baptist Church (Canton, N.C.) Brady, along with several other athletes, are headed to straight to hell. In Brady’s case, it’s chiefly because he “has an unwed child,” and “commits fornication.” But that’s nothing compared to Joakim Noah, who, says the church, is going to hell because he “Has long hair, which is disobedient to the Word of God.”

I’ve been meaning to get it trimmed. Who knew that a long wait at Supercuts would result in eternal damnation?

At the church’s web site, which apparently has recently been taken down, it says that “Tom Brady has an unwed child, but it’s okay because he wins Super Bowls.”

“Tom Brady is teaching us to have sex outside of marriage, to commit fornication, don’t marry and do the right thing, don’t take responsibility for your actions, have a good time no matter who you hurt in this world, go from sex partner to sex partner, and it’s okay because of who I am. How many of you dad’s cheer on Tom in the Super Bowl while your kids are watching?”

For one thing, Brady is a Catholic; so he doesn’t need the Baptists butting in with their minor league guilt trips. For another, Amazing Grace is the same church that recently held a book burning — of the bible. Yes, Pastor Marc Grizzard is so strict that his church considers the King James version of the bible the only true Good Book, and recently hosted a party in which all other versions were burned.

But there are other athletes on the Amazing Grace list:

  • Richard Petty: “Richard Petty’s god is racing, not God Almighty. He teaches that is okay in life to cheat just don’t get caught doing it. Is Richard Petty your idol?”
  • Marko Jaric: “Engaged to the Victoria’s Secret supermodel (porn magazine) Adriana Lima.”
  • Torrie Wilson (wrestler):”Committed an abomination by kissing a female wrester “Sable” on the lips.”
  • Matt Leinart: “He is teaching teenagers not to save themselves for their spouse, but to live it up because you only live life once. Is Matt your idol?”
  • Adam Archuleta: “Engaged to a Playboy Playmate Jennifer Walcott. They have one son. This is called fornication, and we all know what their son is called, the same thing the Bible calls him.”

I have to admit, they have a point with Leinart.

The Faith Tones

(Faith Tones, once again we call on your heavenly hair helmets to protect a young man from sin)