Desperate Iowa St. Holding Open Football Tryouts

You’ve got to feel sorry for incoming Iowa State football coach Paul Rhoads. He inherits a team that avoided the three best Big XII teams (Texas, Oklahoma, Texas Tech)… and still went 0-8 in conference play. When we say they suck, we mean it: Iowa State sucks. So what’s their big plan to turn this ship around and bring the glory back to Cyclone Nation*??? Open tryouts!

Invincible Mark Wahlberg
(This won’t happen.)

We’re not sure why Iowa State’s doing this. ISU draws most of its students from the state of Iowa, where the level of talent is already pretty low–and that’s before all the schools in state pick over the talent. Like some ag tech kid is going to walk onto the field and run a 4.3 out of nowhere? Like the next Brett Favre is slaving away in a computer lab? Come on. Marky Mark’s not walking through that door!

So while it seems, so far, that this is a thinly veiled publicity stunt, the press release doesn’t seem that way at all. Like… we think they’re serious about this. There’s no, “Hey, Cyclone fans! You think you’ve got what it takes?? Come on out, etc. etc.” about it or anything. Here’s the release, linked above, in its entirety:

AMES, Iowa – Current ISU students interested in trying out for the Cyclone football team can meet with the football staff about that opportunity at 4 p.m. Thursday in the Hunziker Auditorium of the Jacobson Athletic Building. Each individual must bring a copy of their current physical and insurance card.

“Each individual.” That’s how serious they’re taking this: they’re apparently not restricting it to men. That’s all for the better, too; anyone familiar with the quality of ISU co-eds knows that Rhoads can walk into the local ZTA sorority and totally re-stock his offensive line. 6′5″, 370 across the board with those hogmollies.

Oh, and by the way, if you ever want to see the mindset of a beaten-down, defeated fanbase, it’s the ISU fan message boards. One of the very first comments on this story over there: “It never hurts to look.” Only when your pride has long since packed its bags and left you for a better place, people. Good gracious, your team sucks.

*By “Cyclone Nation,” of course, we mean “the city of Ames, Iowa.”