Infidelity? Bondage? Video? Thanks, England!

Social scientists will eventually discover what English sports fans have long known: living on an island for too long traps the stupid and makes it multiply. Either that or neuroscientists will realize beating a soccer ball off your head for 25 years leads to unbelievably bad decisions.

Paul Jewell checks for his dignity in the lens

(Is my dignity in here? No? Then let’s start filming!)

This will hopefully explain Beckham’s decision to join MLS, England’s inability to field the right squad to make the European Championships, and why one of their managers and former players films his bondage sessions with a woman that is not his wife. It’s got to be the blows to the head, right?

Of course, there’s more than just the session in the hotel room. There’s the trunk of his Mercedes as well where he must have stored the tapes for the valet to find. NEWS OF THE WORLD provides a raunchy play-by-play (linked in the original article; NSFW) that lovers of mid-life crises and soccer groupie-moms everywhere can enjoy.

Derby County manager Paul Jewell, the aforementioned moron, has led his team to a miserable record and will be lucky to score another gig. Still, he’ll probably bang around on his reputation for awhile longer before limply retiring to a role on television as a commentator. One of the soccer shows should consider him, at least; after all, he’ll bring his own camera.