Speed Read: Romo, Jones Have Different “Picks”

Usually, Tony Romo saves his worst for last, shining as the season begins but falling apart in December and January. But hey, last night was kind of a big game - it was the first “official” game at the new Cowboys Stadium, and it was a national TV audience against the arch-rival New York Giants. So I guess you can’t blame Romo for reverting to his late-season form and throwing up all over himself in the Cowboys’ 33-31 loss.

Tony Romo vs Giants

Romo threw three picks - including one that was returned for a touchdown - and generally looked more spooked than a race horse that’s just been hit with a firecracker. But despite this, the Cowboys actually led late, and it looked like Dallas might pull out an improbable victory.

Lawrence Tynes

But as they showed all night, the Cowboys’ defense simply had no answers for Eli Manning and the Giants’ passing attack. Manning carved up the Dallas secondary for 330 yards on the night, and lead New York down the field to set up a game-winning field goal from Lawrence Tynes as time expired.

So basically, Jerry Jones’ big debut for his billion-dollar monstrosity went completely up in flames. And when something goes wrong on Jerry Jones’ watch, he’s going to keep digging until he finds the answers:

Suffice it to say, Jerry Jones might have been the only person at Cowboys Stadium on Sunday night with more picks than Tony Romo, although I’ll have to review the in-depth box score to confirm that bit of information.

But the new stadium does have one thing going for it: strippers! I mean, “dancers.” Inside of a cage. With skimpy attire on. Yeah, I know the Cowboys are awful right now but…hey look, hot chicks go-go dancing! Look at that!

A longtime youth sports announcer in Kelso, Washington, was convicted on Friday of possession of child pornography and sentenced to 32 months in prison & 15 years of supervised release. A sad story, if somehow seemingly all too commonplace, until you read the story and see the name of the pervert who was convicted: his name is Benny Hill. Seriously.

Benny Hill

Personally, I always thought he’d get caught for elder abuse before anything else. After all, I’ve seen hours of footage showing how he treated that little old, bald man. Always slapping him on the top of the head or kicking him in the pants…it was simply disgraceful. Either that, or he’d get caught in some wacky mix-up in a dressing room that he thought was for men but was actually for busty women. No word on how many of the videos on his 1,300 CDs of child pornography were filmed at double speed with “Yakety Sax” added.

Finally, the Cleveland Indians have enough problems without having to worry about if their prospects from Latin America are lying about their age. This has already happened to the Tribe once this year, as a 16-year-old prospect from the Dominican Republic named Jose Orozia they signed to a $570,000 signing bonus turned out to be a 19-year-old named Wally Bryan. (Side not: I can’t think of any famous people named Wally - including the examples here and here - and neither one could pass for a Latin American baseball player.)

Senior Softball

(The Indians probably should have known their latest prospect wasn’t 16…)

So the Indians have decided to not get fooled again and have turned to DNA testing to determine the identities of their international prospects. Just call it “CSI: Cleveland,” but it’s happening: in order to catch players who falsify their birth records in order to appear younger and seem more attractive to major league team, the Indians are going to start collecting DNA to make sure the players are who they claim they are.

Of course, you can’t gauge a player’s actual age from a DNA test, but you can have a good idea if his parents are who he says they are. No word on how they plan on collecting these DNA samples, but if I was a Latin American prospect, I wouldn’t be spitting chew or seeds out anytime soon - especially if someone in a lab coat is lurking nearby. Unfortunately for the Giants, science has not developed a DNA test to predict if a prospect is likely to allegedly kill someone in a bar fight.

  • Mark Martin got off to a great start in the NASCAR Chase for the Cup, passing Juan Pablo Montoya late to win the Sylvania 300 at New Hampshire Speedway. Many people think Martin’s the best driver to have never won a championship, but almost everyone agrees that he’s the best driver whose face resembles a weathered baseball mitt.
  • Mark Martin

  • Anyone who thinks baseball players are just a bunch of meatheads should know that there are exceptions to the rule. Case in point: Tampa Bay Rays outfielder Fernando Perez, as the Columbia University graduate recently had one of his poems published in the respected literary magazine Poetry.
  • The Arizona Diamondbacks are naming their press box wing after Hall of Fame broadcaster Joe Garagiola Sr., a tribute to his lengthy career and probably not his duties hosting “The Tonight Show” during the only appearance by John Lennon and Paul McCartney on the show:

  • I guess they love minor league baseball in Dayton, Ohio: the Dayton Dragons finished their season with their 704th consecutive sell out, the longest streak in professional baseball history. The secret: the delicious peanuts. Also, the crushing lack of anything else to do in Dayton.
  • Also, a great video find by TIRICO SUAVE of a Patriots fan taking having a sign ripped from her hands by a Jets fan well, if by “well” you mean “having a total meltdown”:

  • In terms of blood-boiling passion, soccer rivalries don’t get much more heated than Manchester United versus free-spending Manchester City. United won the latest meeting 4-3 on Sunday on a Michael Owen goal six minutes into stoppage time, and afterward Red Devils manager Sir Alex Ferguson dismissed City as “a noisy neighbor.” The Abu Dhabi sheik who owns Manchester City responded by having Ferguson bought and sold into white slavery.
  • You can add Sudafed to the list of medicines that elite athletes won’t be able to take, as pseudoephedrine was added to the list of banned substances in 2010 by the World Anti-Doping Agency. Another odd selection that was added: cilantro.
  • I can’t imagine there’s anything more embarrassing for a rugged rugby player like professional player Craig Reid in Scotland than to get beaten up by a soccer player like Dundee United’s David Goodwillie in a bar fight. But that’s what witness say happened, with Goodwillie KOing Reid to the point that some onlookers “thought he was dead.
  • Dear New Jersey Nets fans: the NEW YORK DAILY NEWS says that Mikhail Prokhorov, the Russian billionaire set to fund the team’s move to Brooklyn and perhaps become majority owner, has a checkered past that includes being arrested for involvement in a prostitution ring at a French ski resort. Which could be horrible news or a selling point for high-quality free agents considering the club.
  • The Texas Rangers are one of the feel-good stories of the baseball season. Unless, as THE BIZ OF BASEBALL reports, you don’t feel good about a team whose financial situation is so screwed up that MLB is said to be controlling the team, from the draft to which pitchers start.

I would like to see DNA testing take place to determine…

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