SbB@3: Seven Deadly Sins And Five Killer Locks

Some Web sites offer you “insider” information on which teams to put money on during the week’s big football games. But only Sports by Brooks has the ultimate insider: Jesus Christ. That’s right, each week Our Lord and Savior will descend from Heaven to offer His insight into the week’s top games. And with over 60 percent of all college and NFL players attributing their success to Him, no one is more qualified to pick winners.

jesus christ, sports handicapper

I know that some of you might be wondering why I’m spending my time giving out football betting advice. After all, in between curing the blind, feeding the hungry and consulting with my Dad on whether Allen Iverson should play for the Grizzles, don’t I have enough on my plate? But here’s the thing: being the son of God might be cushy, but it doesn’t pay the bills. Let’s just say these robes don’t dry clean themselves, especially if you get the nice satin ones and not the itchy polyester ones.

So I need a little bit of spending cash. Plus, I’m not keeping it all for myself - some of my winnings go to feed starving orphans in India. Not all of it, but a good portion. More than you probably donate, I’m sure. Besides, just because I’m Jesus doesn’t mean I don’t have hobbies, too.

One last thing that I always get asked is “can’t you just make the team you like win?” It doesn’t work that way: this isn’t “Angels in the Outfield.” I might be able to help a player heal faster or blow an occasional opportune gust of wind to knock down a field goal, but if a team is terrible…let’s just say that Washington State needs more than prayers to win a game.

But enough of my preaching - if you wanted to hear that, you’d go to church on Sunday. Let’s get to the games!

Michigan State at Notre Dame (-10)

As you might guess, I’m partial to Notre Dame. But I’m not thrilled with Charlie Weis. Not only is he clearly guilty of gluttony (which is a big no-no in my book), but his coaching has cost me money the last few years. Enough to have to close down one of those orphanages in Mumbai, in fact. Not good in my book. (And if you think the billboard guys have power, perhaps they should remember a little something called Touchdown Jesus - ever heard of it? Yeah, that’s me.)

All this being said, I’m going with the Fighting Irish this week - Charlie Weis might be forcing Indian orphans into the streets, but at least he’s never lost at home to a MAC school. But if Notre Dame can’t cover the 10 points, maybe Coach Weis should watch himself - do you really think his knee getting destroyed on the sidelines was a freak accident?

Jesus Picks: Notre Dame (-10)

Boise State at Fresno State (+7.5)

I’ve always been partial to people from the Central Valley. These are my kind of people: hardworking, family-oriented people. Also, a lot of them are farmers, and I’m all about feeding the poor, so that’s another plus. On the other hand, I have nothing but trouble with people from Idaho - all the white supremacists using my words to try and justify their hatred when I really preach love for all? What a crock.

That being said, I think Pat Hill started coaching at Fresno State when I was still making cabinets with my stepdad, and I don’t think he’s ever beaten Boise State. I might be able to cure lepers, but even I can’t make the Bulldogs not fall apart against the Broncos.

Jesus Picks: Boise State (-7.5)

Florida State at Brigham Young (-8)

GO SEMINOLES!!!

Jesus Picks: Florida State (+8)

Eastern Michigan vs. Michigan (-24)

Here’s a little quote that Rich Rodriguez might want to keep in mind the next time someone asks him a question and he decides to lie through his teeth about it:

“But the king will rejoice in God; all who swear by God’s name will praise him, while the mouths of liars will be silenced.”

You know why that sounds familiar? Because I said it! And not to brag, but I have a pretty good track record about what is or isn’t the moral thing to do. Perhaps Coach Rodriguez should have thought about this before claiming he didn’t see his player punch a Notre Dame lineman. (What, you thought I was going to let that go?)

Needless to say, this isn’t the first time Coach Rodriguez has tested my patience with his stretching of the truth. Let’s just say that I have a nice, thick file filled with juicy notes ready for St. Peter if and when it’s Coach Rodriguez’s turn to face judgment.

In fact, I see a major smiting coming on this weekend. Plus, it’s not like Michigan hasn’t lost to inferior competition before. Go ahead and call this my 5 Hail Mary Fishes and Loaves Lock of the Week.

Jesus Picks: Eastern Michigan (+24)

Temple at Penn State (-30)

This game is tough for me to get a feel for. On one hand, you have a school named after a house of worship. That’s pretty strong right there. Plus, even my Dad wouldn’t have put Job through the misery that Temple football fans have been through for the last decade or so. If there’s any example of blind faith, it’s right there.

But then again, I have to admit a personal connection to Penn State - I went to high school with Joe Paterno (Bethlehem High, Class of A.D. 18). He was a good kid back then - kind of cranky, always wore his robe up a little to high. In fact, except for not having glasses, he was pretty much the same.

But in the end, I can’t pick Temple. Doesn’t that sound a little…Jewish? And say what you will, but I think I’m allowed to carry a grudge, even after 2,000 years.

Jesus Picks: Penn State (-30)