Mayfield Says NASCAR Slipped His Urine A Mickey

The Jeremy Mayfield drug suspension saga is getting so melodramatic and ridiculous that maybe it’s time we add the NASCAR driver/suspected meth head to our poll of sports celebrities we should ignore. After all, perhaps it’s not wise to give this much attention to the rambling conspiracy theories of an allegedly drug-addled mind. But then again, like the crazy guy with the Joaquin Phoenix beard, tattered clothes and far-away look in his eyes while preaching about the CIA, PBS and Aleve from his soapbox in the park, it’s hard not to be sucked into the madness.

Jeremy Mayfield trophy

Earlier this week, NASCAR said that Mayfield tested positive for a meth during a second recent drug test, while his stepmother claimed that he had been doing meth for years. Mayfield fired back that his stepmother was…let’s just say they won’t be exchanging Christmas gifts. And Mayfield has an excuse for the positive drug test: he told WCNC-TV in Charlotte that NASCAR’s test was “for sure a spiked sample,” and he’s got the proof. Sort of.

He claims to have sent a urine sample taken an hour after the one given to NASCAR to an “independent” testing lab, which came back with a negative drug test. (Note: I guess he’s got a stronger bladder than me if he can give two urine samples an hour apart.) And even though he knows his racing career is over, he vows to fight his suspension “for the long haul.

First, I have to question what he considers an “independent” testing lab to be. Personally, if you hire a testing lab to do a sample of your own urine, that’s kind of the opposite of “independent” - as far as we know, they have a vested interest in coming back with the “right” result. And how do we know that it’s his urine in the first place? I don’t think you can fingerprint urine, so are we taking his word for it? Yikes.

And then there’s the matter of why NASCAR would choose to have a vendetta against Mayfield in the first place. He’s merely a journeyman driver who was lucky to qualify his underfunded car on a given week. Now NASCAR has a PR mess on their hands that’s distracting attention from the season and getting outlets like NPR to wonder if it will turn fans off of NASCAR. (Answer: there are a lot more real reasons people are turning off NASCAR than Jeremy Mayfield.)

But Mayfield’s going to fight the “good fight” on this, portraying himself as the little man being bullied by the corporate meanies from NASCAR:

“I know better. Nobody’s gonna touch me, it’s not gonna happen. Now that I don’t have to worry about going back racing - because obviously they are not going to let me - I don’t have to worry about what I say. It’s like the bully in school [who] got a hold of the wrong little guy.” 

Yeah, you don’t want to pick on the meth heads - they might be wiry, but they don’t feel pain and could care less if you knock their teeth out.

Or he can say that some loose redneck woman he picked up must have slipped something into one of his Coors Lights - there’s even visual evidence: