Dumb Popcorn Prank Burns Central Conn. Players

When I was in college, our idea of a good prank was stealing patio furniture from the cafeteria, or maybe duct taping someone’s door so they were stuck. Apparently I was just a rank amateur, judging by what the BRISTOL PRESS says that two Central Connecticut State athletes did on Monday morning: they made people think that they were trapped inside a burning building with no hope of escape.

Real Genius Laser

(A much better prank using popcorn.)

Get it? See, it’s funny because it’s emotionally disturbing! Running back Matthew Dortch and pitcher Patrick Robinson, along with former CCSU football player Christopher Scifio, intentionally burned multiple bags of popcorn along with tying the doors to the exits of Vance Hall shut with heavy fishing string, so that their dormmates were awoken at 3 a.m. by fire alarms, smoke and no way out.

Apparently the fishing string wasn’t heavy enough, as Vance Hall students were able to wedge the doors open just enough to squeeze through. (Even that fat International Relations student who volunteers for Amnesty International. Every dorm has one of these.) And I guess they failed to see the humor in the joke, as they were offered counseling in case they were still shaken by their so-called “near death experience.”

I mean, what could have possibly gone wrong? Other than the building actually catching on fire, trapping up to 400 students in a raging inferno. Or a stampede of frightened students attempting to get out a small space to escape what they think is certain death, leading to a mass of twisted bodies hopeless crushing each other. (At least in that case soccer radio hosts would have something fresh to talk about.)

So now the No Fun Police (otherwise known as the police) have charged the three with first-degree reckless endangerment, reckless burning, first-degree criminal mischief and second-degree breach of peace and they are in danger of being kicked out of school. Seriously: next you’re going to tell me that it’s illegale to yell “fire” in a crowded theater. What? It is? Damn it.