Scottie Pippen Is A One-Man Economic Recession

I inherently don’t trust people like Jim Cramer, who get on TV and tell you what stocks to buy and which to sell. If they know so much about Wall Street, why do they need to scream their opinions at me every night for a paycheck. Shouldn’t they be living out in the Caribbean somewhere, living off of the interest of their earning while the rest of us plebeians scrounge for our table scraps?

Scottie Pippen

But I’d trust Cramer and his kind in a heartbeat with my savings before I’d let Scottie Pippen anywhere near my lunch money - the man is a walking recession, and in more need of a bailout than the auto and banking industries combined.

You might remember his failed NBA comeback last year as a way to recoup some of the $22 million he lost in bad investments. Usually, “bad investments” is a codeword for “I am physically incapable of not blowing all of my money on houses, cars and other useless crap,” but in this case it seems that Pippen really is just that lousy at investing his money. Because he’s done it again.

The MIAMI HERALD reports that Pippen is suing a company called Learn.com, of which he became a significant shareholder back in 2001 while playing with Portland, for shady business practices. TMZ says that the suit involves top executives manipulating the prices of the stocks and giving out loans without proper consent from shareholders.

I feel for Pippen - he’s clearly a shrewd businessman who has just run into a rough patch with his investments. A very, very, rough patch. But I’d like to offer him an investment opportunity that is guaranteed to make all his money back and then some. I can’t get into too many details, but I happen to the be the son of a former Nigerian Head of Finance who was killed in a plane crash last year. Scottie, please send me your e-mail if you want more information.

(Think he’ll buy that? If not, I’ve got something else that might get some of his money. One word: monorail.)