In Which Albert Pujols Invites You Into His Bathtub

To recap, Albert Pujols does not take steroids — and to prove it, won’t you please accept this tube of scented bath gel and join him in the tub? Our Cardinals hero used the day before the All-Star game to reiterate his contention that his numbers are not chemically enhanced, and in fact he’s getting downright militant about it. Want to check and see? Seriously — Pujols will pee in a cup in front you right now.

Albert Pujols

Ever since December 2007, when it was reported by several outlets that his name was included in the Mitchell report - since proven to be false - Pujols has waged a one-man campaign to clear his name. And now, with his astronomical numbers at baseball’s halfway point, Pujols is on the offensive again. You may not be taking the juice, Albert, but your quotes are injected with hilarious goodness. Let’s proceed.

First this report at ESPN, translated from Espanol:

“My house is always open,” the slugger said in Spanish. “They can come anytime to do all the tests they want during the offseason.

“I challenge them to try training with me during three months and a half. They can come and check every place in my house, they can even come with me in my bathtub. I have nothing to hide.”

Pujols, however, did not invite USA TODAY to partake in a warm, relaxing bath. Instead he almost seemed to be challenging the reporter to a fight. But that’s not ‘roid rage! Don’t get the wrong idea!

“I can understand people being disappointed with A-Rod and Manny,” Pujols said. … “But just because Manny made a mistake, now I have to pay? Just because A-Rod made a mistake, now I have to pay? Oh, guilt by association? That’s wrong.

“I would never do any of that crap. You think I’m going to ruin my relationship with God just because I want to get better in this game? You think I’m going to ruin everything because of steroids?”

“Come test me every day if you want,” says Pujols, who has the most home runs at the All-Star break since Barry Bonds hit 39 and Luis Gonzalez hit 35 in 2001. “Everything I ever made in this game I would give back to the Cardinals if I got caught.”

I believe him. But then I believed Rafael Palmeiro when he jabbed his digit at Congress and angrily denied that he was on steroids. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have Nigerian bank emails to return.