In Space Football, No One Can Hear You Scream

Though it may seem buried by an avalanche of pwned videos, naked ladies and racial epithets, the Internet can still surprise and amaze.

Presenting Exhibit A. It’s called SPACE SPORTILIZATION, and it’s as mind-blowing as its name implies. And yes, this is going to be explained by four-time NFL Pro Bowler and Washington Post contributor Ken Harvey, because why wouldn’t it be?

And it gets better.

Imagine an empty stadium and silence when there is no one around to cheer… that is how we see space - an empty stadium waiting to be filled with cheering fans. We are taking the excitement of sports and vastness of space and combining the two into what we call Space Sportilization.

I believe they’re already trying this at Tropicana Field. But in all seriousness, how exactly do the proprietors of Space Sportilization propose to take games played on courts and fields and relocate them to the celestial void? How would the absence of gravity affect our beloved sports like baseball, football, and basketball, besides making them completely suck?

Space Soccer and Space Basketball are coming soon, according to the site, but Space Football is good to go:

Space Football will take the physicality and excitement of an NFL game, and immerge the visitor into visualizing what it would be like for them in an orbital stadium, on the moon, or perhaps on mars. At a quick glance you would think it was much the same as participating on earth, but then you realize that several unexpected factors come to light.

How do you block someone in zero gravity when you both weigh nothing? How do you stop an opponent who can now jump as high as a three story building? Football as we know it will change forever, and we will be in the forefront of a new creation, Space Football.

I can’t imagine that Space Football would be indistinguishable from Earth Football on first glance, in part because you’d be glancing at it while in space. But that’s a minor quibble. The more pressing issue is that the creators of Space Football have no idea how it would work, and can only raise hypothetical questions and shake their heads in awe at what they have wrought.

A visitor can easily become immerged in this site. Scan the juxtaposed space and sports-related headlines, where Serena Williams’ win over Venus co-exists with news that astronauts are updating the International Space Station’s antivirus software. Consider starting up a new Floatball team. Or read Harvey’s review of the film Babylon A.D.

And by the way, you’re welcome.

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