When we last heard from Ozzie Guillen, he was sporting some threads from Chicago Cubs fans, that legendary bastion of maturity. And by that, of course, we mean a shirt that says “Ozzie Guillen Mows Wrigley Field.” Sure, it was based off of a different racist shirt perpetrated against Cub Carlos Zambrano, but this would be a prime example of that whole “two wrongs” thing.

(What could be wrong with this? It’s just innocuous fun for racists everyone.)

Anyway, to Ozzie’s credit, he was able to laugh it all off. We all figured that was because he was above all the racism stuff, but could we have been wrong? Could it be that Guillen’s not only racist, but he hates everybody who isn’t black?

We’re going to solve this thing. We’re like Dr. House in a KKK hood. Let’s think. Maybe it’s not that Ozzie doesn’t care that somebody made a cheap stereotypical joke about his heritage, it’s just that he hates all Hispanics. People can be self-loathers, buddy, it happens.

Then the latest charge from absolutely retarded astute White Sox fans: That the franchise sent down Brian Anderson instead of DeWayne Wise because of, naturally, their skin color and nothing else. Seriously. I sh*t you not. That’s honestly what they’re claiming:

[W]hen the club sent out notice in the afternoon that Carlos Quentin was recalled from his rehab assignment with Class AAA Charlotte, and Brian Anderson was sent down over Dewayne Wise to make room for Quentin, sure enough, the “Ozzie is a racist” comments were fired.

“What he needs to do is start playing better,” Guillen said of Anderson’s demotion to Charlotte. “It’s been four years, and I’ve got a lot of e-mails from people calling me racists and stuff because, ‘I don’t like Anderson.’

As you’ve probably figured out by now, Anderson’s a white guy and Wise is black. See? See? Anyway, let’s take a look at Player A and Player B and see if who you’d send down is as obvious as black and white um, north and south or whatever:

Player A: 27 years old, .238 season average, .225 career average, season OPS .641
Player B: 31 years old, .196 season average, .211 career average, season OPS .596

A is Anderson, B is Wise. And honestly? They’re both terrible. So terrible that there is no functional difference between the two in terms of production. We’d strongly advocate demoting both, if not running them over with a lawnmower just to prove a point.

Ah, but we’re not Ozzie Guillen, and clearly Ozzie Guillen hates white people. So Wise stays for reasons that can’t possibly be related to things like leadership, clubhouse presence, or anything else that has merit. No, racism’s afoot here, and here just as always, white people are the real victims here.