I Remember When Soccer Wasn’t All About Drugs

Pardon me for being a soccer purist [If you were really a purist you’d call it “football,” you ass.-ed.], but I remember when it was all about the run of play, the penalty kick shootouts, Diego Maradona, Roy Keane! But not this, Dike, not this at all.

Heroin Button
(I guess this is a heroin button. Who knew?)

Hmm? What’s that? No, I’m not using a derogatory term for lesbians; my favorite of those is “Subaru Jockey.” No, we’re referring to the Nigerian soccer player named simply “Dike,” which we would kinda suggest he changes at some point, because c’mon man. Dike was arrested for smuggling heroin into India, which he says he was doing in return for a spot on the Nigerian soccer team.

Per the TIMES OF INDIA:

On Sunday, Customs officials said the arrested footballer, Dike (30), revealed during interrogation that another Nigerian footballer Dania, who is based in Kolkata had promised him a berth at a local football club here if he carries the drugs to New Delhi.

“The youth said the drug was handed over to him by Dania two days ago with a promise to give him a berth at a local football club in Guwahati provided he takes the heroin safely to New Delhi. Dike also revealed that Dania was in the city at present. We have already launched a manhunt and are questioning him further,” Customs department sources said.

We’re not sure what the “(30)” part after Dike’s name is about, since the Customs official also referred to Dike as a “youth”; even in America, 30’s far past youth, and Nigeria’s life expectancy isn’t exactly at America’s level*.

We digress. One of the other curious things about the TOI article is the sense that, well, “these guys do this a lot.” Indeed, according to UNPROFESSIONAL FOUL, the sheer volume of Google results for “soccer player smuggling heroin” is jaw-dropping.

But anyway. The most crucial element aspect of the story, other than “you can be on the team if you move this heroin,” would have to be the fact that the heroin was smuggled inside buttons. Consider us surprised and impressed; we’d never have thought of putting drugs there. That’s downright genius engineering; can you imagine if the drug runners used their powers for good? You know, by like, um… I guess… hiding salt in buttons? Okay, we didn’t think that one through. Nobody wants salt from a button, right? Never mind.

*This isn’t to say that Nigerians achieve puberty by 8 and are full-fledged adults by 11 or anything; as GLOBALAGING.ORG puts it, Nigeria’s low life expectancy is due to “the prevalence of random, premature and preventable deaths.” Bet you didn’t think we’d be talking West African mortality rates in the footnotes today.