You might be surprised that high school football players are getting fatter. You might also be surprised that the sun is going to rise tomorrow. The signs have been obvious for years and years; whereas in the ’80s, the only comically overweight athlete on film was that center in Teen Wolf who sweated more than Patrick Ewing’s balls, now we have movies like Remember The Titans starring linemen who already have six different types of diabetes.

(NOT A REAL ATHLETE IN ANY SENSE OF THE WORD)

The BOSTON GLOBE has the wholly predictable but still depressing story detailing how America’s growing class of violently obese teenagers is turning to the one sport that makes jerseys in 5XL: football. Sure, everyone’s getting fatter, but it’s not like some 5′9″, 280 pound kid is going to run cross country. Well, he technically could. And it would technically be hilarious.

Says Fat Kids Running Around While Getting Yelled At Expert* Charlie Stevenson:

“Their diets have been horrible their whole lives. They eat French fries and McDonald’s food. They’re just obese. It’s not that they’re hugely muscular.”

As noted before, though, football is just about the only high school sport dealing with spiking obesity rates. And sure, it’s a lot harder to push a 300-pound kid out of the way that one who weighs 80 fewer pounds, but football’s still, you know, a sport, and it’s still important to be at least marginally fit.

(ALSO NOT A REAL ATHLETE AT ALL)

Look, it’s been 10 years since I played high school ball, but back then, the five fattest (not heaviest, but fattest) dudes just plain didn’t play. It wasn’t like that was an arbitrary rule imagined and enforced by coaches, but the stark reality that if someone can’t get their size 42 waistline up and down a football field, there’s no point in putting them out there. Whether that’s changed in any measurable way in those 10 years is merely a guess; disinterest and strict local perversion laws prohibit SbB staff from attending any high school functions, including athletic events. But we’ll take the numbers at their word.

Now if you’ll excuse us, we need to jam a bacon cheeseburger or three down our throats. All this talk of obesity is making us hungry.

*or football coach, whatever