Howard Schultz Sues for the Seattle Sonics Back

It’s one thing to mess with an entire city government, a loyal and passionate fan base, and the integrity of David Stern and the NBA, Clay Bennett. Governments come and go. David Stern, like all men, has his price. And the fans? Ha! A piffle.

Starbucks and the Seattle SuperSonics

It’s quite another matter to screw with Howard Schultz, Clay. You see, he heard about those e-mails and he feels he’s been lied to. You don’t cross the CEO of Starbucks, Clay. He wants his toys back. Now. If you don’t go quietly into that misty Seattle night and back from whence you came, he will sue your pasty white posterior there.

Clay, you must have been a little concerned when Howie swept back into the Starbucks top spot as the gleaming savior. Certainly, a messianic complex would convince Schultz that he could save every fallen soul in Seattle, especially Kevin Durant. (Can’t get him to play defense, though; he’s a savior, not a miracle worker.)

Maybe you shouldn’t have been so brass about your motives. Whatever happened to being a shrewd businessman? Did you even consider tact?

(Yes, we’ll give you time to look up the word.)

Now the man that can rally a nation every time he closes Starbucks stores for retraining has his sights set on you. He can afford better lawyers than even you, Clay, but court cases can go either way. You should be concerned that Howie taps John Mayer to write a protest song against you and plays it repeatedly in Starbucks with your picture on the wall.

Here’s your final tip, Clay: you shouldn’t have insulted the intelligence of the biggest over-the-counter drug peddler in America. That’s just not good business. Have a nice day!