A runny funny tale comes to us from the far reaches of oblivion today. More specifically, the Detroit Tigers’ clubhouse. The DETROIT FREE PRESS reports that the agony the Tigers have been experiencing since opening day is no longer limited to between the lines.

There’s a reason Carlos Guillen had a rough game — including two errors — Monday night at third base. “He can hardly move — he’s got hemorrhoids so bad,” Tigers manager Jim Leyland said Tuesday. “He’s been playing with hemorrhoids that probably need to be lanced. He probably shouldn’t have been out there (third base on Monday).”

Hemorrhoids that “need to be lanced“? Great. Thanks for that Jimbo. Guess I won’t be needing these anytime soon.

So the Tigers have a player that has infected hemmoroids so bad that he can hardly walk. And where does that leave him? Batting fifth in the starting lineup last night, of course! (no truth to the rumor that the Tigers also started a triple amputee behind the plate last night)

I was growing up in KC in the 1980 when baseball’s most infamous case of bowel Bougenvilleas reared up and help cost the Royals the World Series. That season, George Brett made one too many trips to Gates BBQ (who can blame him?) and had to sit out Game Two of the Fall Classic before returning at no doubt less-than-optimum capacity.

At least the Tigers won’t have to worry about that sort of scenario playing out this season.