NBA players’ infallible ability to find the closest Cheesecake Factory in any city has been well-documented. However, it would appear no NBA player could make it all the way to that carb-loaded dinner without the second-most important meal of the day: bagels delivered by a rookie.
All over the league (even in areas not exactly noted for their bagel quality), rooks better bring the cream cheese and curved bread or else find their rides also carb-loaded. Do not mess with a tall man’s Everything bagel or else you’ll end up hiring Dontario Kane to find the culprits of car-based vandalism.
(Just a few more months, son… hang in there)
This isn’t the worst rookie hazing on record, by far. The SALT LAKE TRIBUNE points out some of the NBA’s great youth labor abuses over time:
- The “My Little Pony” backpack carried for a whole season
- The thousands of dollars of room charges left behind
- Zydrunas Ilgauskas’ Lithuanian newspapers, hand-delivered by a rook (probably because he couldn’t walk to the door himself for years)
- Being forced to play with Orlando Woolridge and Ennis Whatley (okay, we added that one ourselves, but that wasn’t hazing on MJ?)
Honestly, we’d mock the players for the nonsense abuse when the NBA season is hard enough, but the true cruelty here has to be to the colons of NBA players. This league doesn’t need team psychiatrists; it needs individually-assigned nutritionists armed with Tasers.
Now, of course, this is different than putting up a bagel. Rooks are best served leaving that to the vets.