Andrew Carter of the ORLANDO SENTINEL reports (with a straight face?) that “Florida State placed standout football player Preston Parker on athletic probation, suspended him for two games and will require him to adhere to six conditions after the junior wide receiver pleaded guilty to two misdemeanors Monday in Palm Beach County court.”

The charges? Parker had been accused of “misdemeanor possession of marijuana and with carrying a concealed weapon, a felony.” This news comes after he was caught shoplifting in 2006.

That Bobby Bowden, what a tough cookie. Parker’s two-game suspension means he will miss the Seminoles’ titantic tilts against Western Carolina and Chattanooga. And return just in time to open ACC play against league powerhouse Wake Forest. What a coincidence!

The TAMPA TRIBUNE also has the story, reporting that in addition to missing out on the two patsie opponents, Parker will “face several other sanctions imposed by the athletic department.”

Those “sanctions“, according to the Sentinel’s Carter, include living in an on-campus dorm and attending study halls.

Next thing you know, Parker will be required to actually attend class!