Linda Cohn woke up this morning in her palatial East Hartford estate’s master bedroom (note: East Hartford estates are palatial relative to Hartford homes; they have bedrooms, for one), stumbled to her three-year-old Dell in the study (note: East Hartford homes have studies that Mike Brady would be proud of), and fired up Internet Explorer.  Her home page, of course, is DEADSPIN.  There, she saw this:

And she spent the rest of her morning absolutely kicking herself.  She didn’t have to settle for being a well-paid and occasionally respected cable sports news anchor; she could have been one fallen jowl away from being leader of the free world without giving up one ounce of hairspray.  Damnation!

Of course, this will absolutely crush her hopes of becoming Vice-President.  Who would elect a former sportscaster as President? Or approve of an athlete as Vice-President?