It’s hard to imagine the total damage that one incurs when covering the New York Knicks. Madison Square Garden security bumps into you. People say mean and hurtful things about you. To your face, even! Then there’s the worst indignity: watching the Knicks play on a regular basis. Clearly, that should be attempted only by trained professionals, David Blaine, and laboratory animals.

It’s that kind of repetition of the horrible that can lead even the most thoughtful of New York tabloid sports columnists to take any proffered solution as a possible escape route. To wit: Patrick Ewing wants to be a head coach and multiple people took him seriously.

In Frank Isola’s piece for the NY DAILY NEWS, he’s careful to mention Pat Riley close to Ewing’s name as much as possible and to link the current big man coach to the Knicks’ post without mentioning Isiah Thomas at all:

“Yao Ming and Dwight Howard both rave about what Patrick Ewing has meant to their careers. And who knows, maybe one day Ewing will get his hands on Eddy Curry as well.”

Alan Hahn of NEWSDAY goes one step further, directly laying the steps required for Ewing to take over and calling the former Knicks star a “very good coach“. That level of hyperbole wasn’t necessary for Knicks fans to completely buy in; Hahn could have also noted that Ewing has a strong pulse and an excellent ability to exchange oxygen for carbon dioxide and still have Knicks fans a-tingle.

If you worry that the former Gold Club Executive Star Oral Points Reward member might not be ready to take on the responsibilities of an NBA head coach, fret not: Ewing hasn’t been in PAGE SIX all season. Now that’s dedication!