It’s an immutable truth of the universe that people are fascinated by man-eating animals. Stephen Colbert has an ongoing feud with bears. The DISCOVERY CHANNEL’s ‘Shark Week’ is one of their highest-rated blocks of programming every year. A tiger features prominently in one of the year’s hottest movies, “The Hangover”. Man-eating animals are interesting; they serve as a reminder that sometimes homo sapiens isn’t always the top of the food chain.

(Aha, the tables have turned. Advantage: Humans)

But the thing about those animals is that they’re only really interesting from afar. Up close, they’re really quite frightening because, don’t forget, THEY WILL EAT YOU. So when we turned on the ol’ Internet machine this morning and read that hordes of giant flesh-eating squid have taken up residence off the coast of San Diego, looking for scuba divers and surfers to snack on, we only thought of one thing to say: EVERYBODY PANIC!

OK, so they didn’t turn up just to feast on unsuspecting watersports enthusiasts. But that doesn’t mean they don’t want to do bad, bad things to you, according to marine wildlife journal THE NEW YORK TIMES:

Thousands of jumbo flying squid, aggressive 5-foot-long sea monsters with razor-sharp beaks and toothy tentacles, have invaded the shallow waters off San Diego, spooking scuba divers and washing up dead on beaches. The so-called Humboldt squid, which can grow up to 100 pounds, are native to the deep waters off Mexico, where they have been known to attack humans. Scientists are not sure why the squid are swarming off the Southern California coast, but they are concerned.

HOLY S##T! Tentacles with teeth! No wonder scientists are concerned. Of all the nasty creepy creatures of the deep, giant squid have to be some of the scariest. Scientists think they’re one of the smartest creatures on earth; they team up with other squid to hunt prey, but won’t hesitate to turn on their own given the opportunity. The razor sharp beaks can tear through the flesh of human, or even a shark, with ease. They have giant stereoscopic eyes similar to those of primates. These things are freakin’ horrible. And now they’re moving in.

All it will take is one freak nuclear accident and those suckers will mutate into some sort of genetic supersquid and take over the world. We might mock the slow pace of life in places like rural Kansas, but when the squid takeover begins - and it will most assuredly begin - would you want to be anywhere else?