Football Players Shrink ‘Half-Inch’ During Games?

If you ever wondered where football players reach back to inside themselves for the rage and cruelty required to unleash the raw fury required to excel, ponder no more. A recently completed study has solved this quandary with a sneaky explanation: Short Man’s Disease.

Charlie Brown plays football

That’s because, almost imperceptibly, football players shrink up to a half-inch during a game or hard practice due to the explosive force of the hits and all the heavy equipment they wear. When you can feel yourself slowly being pulled back to the earth, your inferiority complex rises and you start taking it out on anyone around you.

Don’t worry… we’re sure girls will still talk to you after practice. To laugh at you, shrimpy.

Okay, we made the last part up. Football players excel because they’re highly talented athletes with exceptional internal drive and quick reaction times…

Wizard of Oz Munchkins

… with low centers of gravity and a penchant for short pants and a lollipop. HA! (Athletes Supermanning young ladies of ill repute is the new “Oh, I’ll get you, my pretty!”)

And how much do we love the new Giants uniforms?

The Atom

‘Cause they’re short! HELLO!