Old Woman Sues Family Over Footballs In Yard

What do you do if you’re not Clint Eastwood, and those durn fool kids won’t listen when you tell them to get off your lawn? In what may replace the McDonald’s hot coffee retard as the example of how ridiculously litigious our society is, an 89-year-old woman is suing her neighbors for all the balls and Frisbees that keep landing on her property. Did I mention she was arrested for refusing to return the balls? God. I hate this country.

Get Off My Lawn

In the suburbs of Cincinnati, Edna Jester was sick and tired of the kids always running onto her lawn to retrieve their balls. So in October she decided to keep a football. Naturally, the city prosecutor charged her with theft. That was a mortal wound on common sense, but this is the coup de grĂ¢ce. Jester filed suit against her neighbors, the Tanises, for causing her emotional distress. The ludicrous details of the suit, after the jump.

Paul and Kelly Tanis, the parents of the boy whose errant football drew national attention in October, are named as defendants in the suit, which seeks unspecified monetary damages.

“It’s a very silly suit,” Kelly Tanis said Wednesday.

“We haven’t really seen or heard from Edna since any of this happened. And now what we have heard comes from her lawyer.”

The suit contends that members of the Tanis household “have thrown objects against the side of Ms. Jester’s house, into her gardens and onto her porch.”

The Tanises and their minor children “regularly and without permission” enter Jester’s yard to retrieve footballs and other play items that have been “carelessly tossed” onto her property, the suit adds.

Isn’t it awful when friends and neighbors can be torn apart by something so simple as a stupid lawsuit filed by an elderly person who has way too much time on her hands?

Paul Tanis, who had regularly mowed Jester’s front lawn until the football flap, offered to do so again when he saw the woman struggling with her lawn mower.

“He said, ‘You don’t have to do that, Edna - I’ll do that for you,’ ” Kelly Tanis said.

“But she said, ‘I’m sorry, Paul. I can’t talk to you. It’s all in the lawyers’ hands now.’ “

There’s so much to say here, yet I can’t even bring myself to make a decent joke. Remember that South Park episode where Cartman sees something so funny, he knows nothing will ever top it and he’s unable to laugh again? I think I’ve blown a funny fuse.

And now, for the best kicker from a news story this year:

Kelly Tanis said Jester also still apparently has the original football from October.