Football-Helmet-Fu Still Illegal In Utah, Apparently

Suppose you’re a father of a high school football player. Suppose you’re upset with your son after his team just lost their fourth game in a row. Um, suppose that’s a legitimate reason to lose your temper if you’re not a coach.

Tumua Siaumau
(Your extremely unwise decision-maker of the day.)

Okay, all our suppositions in place? All right. If the kid’s coach comes over to cool things down, of all the options available to you, few are as ludicrously bad as what Salt Lake City resident Tumua Siaumau chose, which was braining said coach with his son’s football helmet. The result, according to the SALT LAKE TRIBUNE, was a broken jaw and a mountain of legal trouble

Holding his son’s helmet by the face mask, Siaumau had swung it against [Darius] McCormick’s left jaw hard enough to render him unconscious and knock him out of one of his shoes.

Defense attorney Tara Haynes told the judge that her client was swinging the helmet because he wanted to be alone with his son, but that he never meant to hit anyone.

Shockingly, that didn’t fly, even though during the trial Siaumau had got down on his knees and begged for forgiveness from McCormick. The result: a plea deal for third degree aggravated assault, 90 days in jail, 36 months of probation, and 150 hours of community service. Oh, and a fat $34,000 bill for medical restitution.

That wasn’t the only time Tiaumau’s courtroom theatrics failed to curry favor with the judge:

Siaumau, who is apparently the minister of a church, repeatedly invoked the name of “God” during the court hearing. But the judge said at one point: “I don’t think God had anything to do with this.”

How dare you, judge; God is everywhere. Even in a helmet swung at a man’s face. Especially there.