An odd conflagration of opinion about female sports fans (especially of the NHL variety) hit our newsreader today, ranking them as either floozy or f’d up. We struggled with this seeming regression and now choose to share our troubles with you, kind reader. First: the floozies.
(We don’t blame you for feeling a little violent today, Elisha)
LARRY BROWN SPORTS caught young Blackhawks stud Patrick Kane on SPORTING NEWS RADIO, being asked about the quality of groupie he encounters as a professional athlete. He ranks the Russian and Swedish girls highly and likes that Canadian girls know who he is. You can practically hear the radio host elbowing him in the ribs and winking.
We guess this is interesting on some level; it’s certainly part of a life we could never be a part of, so it does have a “Wild Kingdom” quality. (”Much like the NHL groupie stalks her unwitting prey, you too can hunt down the protection your family deserves with Mutual of Omaha…”) And, hey, good for Patrick Kane for living life to the fullest. Still, this is the best we could do on the topic?
(Your wife… uh, is she a sport, hmm?)
And now how female sports fans must be crazy:
KUKLA’S KORNER was kind enough to pass along the desperate cry for attention of one Den Cotton, who writes for NATIONAL SPORTS REVIEW. He’d like everyone to look at him for awhile, so he’ll say something blatantly provocative in his latest essay so we will all talk about him and validate his existence while bumping his hit count.
Okay, Mr. Cotton, we’re looking at you:
“Perhaps I’ve been drinking too much of the Colin Cowherd Kool-aid…”
And you thought we were kidding about the attention whore angle.
“I don’t want to date any chicks who are “fans”… Now, when I say fan, I mean fanatic. It’s perfectly fine if you like sports, but I don’t want you living and dying for the Cubs, White Sox, or Cards; or all of the above.
“Ladies who love NHL are completely off limits. That is just way too creepy, especially Wings junkies.
“I know it’s totally sexist and irrational for me to spend time uttering such absurdities, and I want to apologize to all women in advance — even you crazy fans, for whatever it’s worth. “
He alternates between being a misogynist jackal and apologizing for being a misogynist jackal for a thousand words. It’s the most fascinating case of Chauvinist’s Tourette’s we’ve ever seen. We’re pretty sure he just needs a hug. From an NHL groupie. With her stick held high.
We’re positive the Ladies… sports fans out there don’t need our assistance here. We don’t need to lift a finger to defend their brilliance. His points are prima facie ludicrous and he admits as much while being utterly unable to let them go.
Here’s where we’d like to step into the discussion. Mr. Cotton clearly enjoys the taste of shoe leather. Otherwise, he would have stopped himself from shoving his foot up high. However, we’re certain he holds a fairly common set of contradictions as self-evident. This shouldn’t be the stopping point, though, as his essay suggests. This should be his (and our) starting point.
We’ve given you our elbow to the ribs and jammed you into the boards, Mr. Cotton, but now we extend our gloved hand to help you up. Seek out a few female fanatics of local sports franchises and sit down with them. Talk with them. Find out how they became huge fans. How do they celebrate sports? How do they share their love of sports with their mates?
Then write about what you learned and what you still struggle with. You’re an essayist. Write more essays about this. We’d like to read those essays. It’s okay that there’s no storybook ending of tolerance and understanding, but it’s impermissible that you didn’t even start Chapter Two.
(And for crying out loud, don’t try to pick the women up. Women have many more facets than ‘date me’ and ‘let me fold your laundry for you’. Don’t make us send Elisha over.)