Genetically Engineered Blue Horse Next 4 FedEx?

Horse racing picked up a valuable lesson from one of its endlessly circling brethren over the weekend when Big Brown won the Kentucky Derby in overwhelming fashion: get sponsors on the horses. Big Brown’s association with UPS (who likes their association with racing of all types) gave UPS $1.4 million in indirect exposure.

Horse with stickers

(By the way, we always wonder about those ‘exposure’ numbers that try to measure indirect publicity. We suspect the math works on a similar level to the Oscar viewership numbers and counting iTunes songs. And how do they factor in the Maker’s Mark we’ve consumed that will wipe our memory of the race?)

Still, there really does seem to be good money in sponsoring the runaway winner of the Derby. The horse owners and UPS continue to explore more ways to exploit the horse, leading us to a flight of fancy: how many missed opportunities were there in the Derby last Saturday?

Therefore, we’ve done our level best to pair up the other horses with marketing opportunities as encouragement for nex year:

  • Cool Coal Man - Oxygen masks.
  • Tale of Ekati - Now on DVD! Special commentary track by Matthew McConaughey. (”Yeah, dude… I totally love to ride. heh heh. duuuude.”)
  • Anak Nakal - Tough one. We recommend putting this horse at the center of a viral marketing campaign for a new energy drink. “Find the Anak Nakal; find the treasure.”
  • Court Vision - The Law Offices of Dewey, Cheatem, and Howe.
  • Z Fortune - Before last year, we would have recommended Chrysler. Now we recommend CNBC. “Z Fortune - The last name in financial coverage!”
  • Big Truck - If the owners of this horse can’t get it done without us, they don’t deserve more money.
  • Visionaire - A new Marvel Comics limited edition series about robot love.
  • Pyro - We think we actually saw this on Spike during the NHL Playoffs.
  • Colonel John - The lip-smackinest spokesman ever for Kohler bathroom home improvement products.
  • Z Humor - We hate this horse because we already burned our “last name in” joke. Screw this horse. It can live in abject poverty, only being paid $10,000 per American Gigolo session instead of $250,000.
  • Smooth Air - We want a new drug and we want it to be an inhalant. Glaxo, get on this.
  • Bob Black Jack - Reno on line one.
  • Monba - Is this a black horse? We want Kobe and this horse to pair up to solve crimes this fall on NBC. Make this happen.
  • Adriano - How about you advertise for Boring Names Anonymous? No, wait… that organization wouldn’t exist because their names would already be so boring that they would automatically be anonymous. Bore-eng.
  • Denis of Cork - Alcoholics Anonymous.
  • Cowboy Cal - We’ve already got a Cal and an Ironman and they’re the same guy. Still, if people can’t afford the original’s rates, it’s nice to have a fallback position. Or maybe… maybe Cal Ripken could be the jockey! Yes! Call Rewrite!
  • Recapturetheglory - Finally, a good place for Flomax to expand into the sports arena.
  • Gayego - If there was a gay cruise to Mexico named “Gayego”, we would wear the T-shirt for it. Come on; Gayego Cruise Line would be a gold mine.
  • Eight Belles - Volvo.