Fans Dying To Have Ashes Spread At Sports Sites

A growing trend of fans wanting their remains to be spread out over their favorite sports sites is becoming a real pain in the ash.

Cubs urn David Bowie Ashes To Ashes

The ASSOCIATED PRESS scares up news that more & more sports fans are requesting to have their cremated ashes spread among their favorite stadiums, golf courses, racetracks, and other athletic venues. And some teams aren’t so spirited about the idea.

Dallas Cowboys spokesman Rich Dalrymple is flattered that his team means so much to some people, but he’s wary about such memorial gestures getting out of hand:

“It probably happens and we sort of turn a blind eye if people are discreet. But we don’t really feel it’s appropriate. And besides, these things have a way of turning into elaborate ceremonies and we don’t want a stream of hearses pulling up to the stadium.”

LSU assistant AD Herb Vincent recalls that when additions were being constructed onto Tiger Stadium, many Bayou Bengal fans were showing up with containers of their relatives’ remains:

“It was a very regular thing, The contractor would call and say, `We’ve got another one,’ and it would be someone with an urn of ashes they wanted to put into the stadium before the walls were sealed up. We had at least 40 people ask.”

But not all facilities are so spooked about spreading ashes of supporters. Willie Miller, who runs Furman University’s golf course, says the club has allowed remains of past players to be scattered among the greens.

Any chance the spirits of the departed could help the current Paladins improve their performance on the fairway? Miller doesn’t think so:

“Not at all. I know how they played.”

Ooh, classic burn! Those golfers must be rolling over in their graves - if they hadn’t already been cremated.