FAKExclusive: Riley’s New Puppet, Erik Spoelstra

News came down yesterday that the curmudgeonly Pat Riley would be leaving his post as Miami head coach. Lost in the shuffle was the naming of Erik Spoelstra as new head coach, making him the first Filipino-American head man in NBA history.

erik spoelstra coaching

This monumental moment will surely be marked with an introductory press conference. In another FAKExclusive, SPORTSbyBROOKS attends Erik Spoelstra’s imaginary first press conference as head coach.

(in the Miami Heat press room, Erik Spoelstra is flanked by Pat Riley and owner Micky Arison)

Thank you all for attending today. I can’t be happier to be acting as head coach for this legendary franchise. I have with me a statement that Mr. Riley has prepared for me to read.

(Spoelstra clears his throat.)

Hello, everyone. Thank you all for attending today. I can’t be happier to be acting as head coach for this legendary franchise. I’d like to first start by saying that I am in no way simply a stand-in for Mr. Riley until he wants to coach again. And in no way is he planning on returning after our selection of Michael Beasley.

Furthermore, I want to state that I am well aware of the incredibly large shoes that I am never likely to fill.

(Spoelstra turns to Riley.)

I’d never say something like that.

Riley: Yes, you would. Keep going.

(Spoelstra returns to the microphone.)

As I was saying, Pat Riley is a legend who belongs on the NBA’s Mount Rushmore and I can only hope to replicate one-tenth of his numerous successes. He has been like a father to me. In fact, he has been a better father to me than my biological father.

I consider this the opportunity of a lifetime, even if it may only last for a few months. But in no way is Mr. Riley planning a comeback. Please make sure that that is very clear.

(Spoelstra addresses Riley again.)

Pat, I mean, Mr. Riley, sir. This makes it sound like you ARE making a comeback.

Riley: Stick to the script, boy.

(Spoelstra speaks in to the microphone.)

Higher highs have never been reached that when Mr. Riley single-handedly lead the Heat to a championship in 2006. I can only hope that I do not besmirch his impeccable reputation. I will now read a limerick that I composed as my thanks to Mr. Riley:

(Spoelstra to Riley)

You seriously want me to read a limerick?

Riley: You want the job don’t you.

(Spoelstra straightens his notes and speaks.)

Pat Riley’s the best of all coaches
No one else’s success can approach his
He has won four rings
He’s a king amongst kings
And never once has he boasted.

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for coming. I will not be answering any questions today.

Riley: Great job, kid.