Derby Victor Spurns ‘Harem’; Clemens Consulting?

War Emblem, the 2002 Kentucky Derby champion, has only one job left on this planet. His sole responsibility in his current position is to assume the position as many times as horse-ily possible to make stud fees for his Japanese owners. War Emblem has little interest in doin’ the Wild Thang, though; he’s barely touched his “private harem”.

When a Japanese businessman willing to spend $3000 on Funky Cold Medina for a horse calls the horse a “weirdo”, that’s how you know you’ve stepped through the looking glass, kids.

It’s not like War Emblem wants to be difficult, though. As the owner says, “It’s very odd. He’s not impotent. He’s just very choosy about his women. He’s more human than animal.” Again, leave it to the director of the Shadai Stallion Station (also the name of the bar in our unpublished Roadhouse III script) to simply assume he hasn’t found the horse’s favorite fetish yet.

Maybe War Emblem finds all of the blatant sexuality a bit crass, y’know? Why not seduce him with a bit of mood music? (And may we recommend the niche hit Rhino collection, “Music to &$^@ Horses By”?)

Perhaps pour a few gallons of Thunderbird into the trough to go with dinner. Then pop in a movie on the widescreen (again, we recommend the Bobcat Goldthwait vehicle Hot to Trot) and let the magic happen.

If none of that works and War Emblem can’t complete the one task expected of him, you could always write him a song.

Or hire Roger Clemens for his first consulting gig.