FINDING THE BEST WAY TO YOUKILIS A BALLPLAYER’S LIFE: ATTN: Kevin Youkilis. Please answer the following yes-no questions in order to better help you find your future wife.

Are you looking for a girl who:

1) Has been used-up and spit out by Ben Affleck?
2) Has already been married and pushed out a kid?
3) Refers to you as “insta-dad”?
4) Has been arrested for shoplifting?

If you answered “Yes” to all these questions, please proceed to the nearest ATM machine, take out all your cash, and hand it to this woman:

Oops, looks like you already did!Our favorite quote in the BOSTON GLOBE puffer from Youkilis’ “insta-mom“, Enza Sambataro: “It’s a day-to-day thing,” she said, laughing. “Saturday, we weren’t getting married because Kevin had too many margaritas. But it’s back on now. Right, Kev?“