• HARDWOOD PAROXYSM bounces over news from BIG TIME LISTINGS that Elton Brand is putting his L.A. house back on the market.

• But Tim Kawakami of the SAN JOSE MERCURY NEWS finds video of the L.A. TIMES’ Bill Plaschke pleading with Elton to stay in town.

• PROLEBRITY discovers that sexy soccer star Heather Mitts didn’t have such an easy time flying to Scandinavia.

• JOE SPORTS FAN seems to be enraptured by a large female Cardinals fan sporting an Aaron Miles-inspired goatee.

• THE SPORTS CULTURE knew it was inevitable that Shaq’s anti-Kobe rap would result in not only a ring tone but also some fashionable apparel.

• WICKED CHOPS POKER takes a gamble on showing Charles Barkley losing a game of Horse against a “Survivor: China” contestant.

• WTA HOTTIES serves up the latest women’s rankings post-Wimbledon.

• DOG READER barks up five reasons Joe Torre should be glad he’s not still in New York - and they all involve A-Rod.