Middle-Schooler Suspended Over Bengals Haircut

Remember yesterday when we talked about helmet redesigns and all that? The general consensus of the writers of the original article was that the Bengals were the best at using the entire helmet as a canvas rather than just thinking of it as left-half/right-half. A work of art, it is.

Dustin Reader Bengals Haircut
(Hmm. Interesting decision.)

Young Dustin Reader certainly seemed to agree, and he got a haircut to match those helmets over the weekend. School administrators? Not so impressed, and Reader’s now at the mercy of one of the most miserable groups of people on the planet: middle school administrators. We’re praying for your life, Dustin.


Dustin Reader, an eighth-grader at Garfield Middle School, received an in-school suspension Monday because of a haircut he received over the weekend in honor of the Cincinnati Bengals.

His barber, Chris Campbell of the B Street barbershop Razor Sharp, cut Bengal stripes on the sides of Reader’s head and a large capital B on the back to resemble the team’s helmet, and on Sunday, he colored his head and scalp to match for the game. The colors were washed out for school on Monday, according to his parents, but he barely got off his bicycle at Garfield when he was sent to his principal’s office.

Weak sauce, Garfield Middle School. The Bengals are terrible 90% of the time. Now they’ve got a 6-2 record and a dominating inside track to the AFC North with a 4-0 division record. They’re probably going to the playoffs, and they never go to the playoffs. They haven’t been to the playoffs since Garfield was a President and not a middle school. Give the kid a break, people.

But if the argument is that no hair designs are allowed, then we suppose that’s fine. We’ve long maintained that the only unusual hair design permissible for white males is the mullet (or a skullet if you’re so genetically disadvantaged). Black people get braids, dreads, and the all-time sexy jheri curl. An unfair disadvantage to white people? So be it. The score’s now 45,433 to 12, white people still with a commanding lead.

And besides, there’s only one person in the world who gets to carve elaborate designs into his haircut: Ron Artest. It doesn’t look that great on him either, but we’re all too terrified to say it to his face. That brawl at the Palace? That wasn’t because of the beer thrown at him, that was because he heard somebody yell that his hair was stupid. Not a mistake to be made twice.