Dr.: Viagra Enhances Athletic Performance, Too

Viagra sponsors race cars. It sells ads across the airwaves faster than it can pop out little blue pills, and it’s allegedly helping resuscitate the sex lives of thousands of middle-aged American men. Well, add “athletic performance-enhancer” to the list of modern factoids about the little blue pill because, according to this story in the soccer blog THE OFFSIDE, a Brazilian doctor has determined that the pills can enhance athletic performance when competing at high altitudes. Really.

smiling bob viagara
(Smiling Bob: the new Ronaldinho.)

According to the theory, cooked up by Gremio team doctor Alarico Endres, Viagra will improve performance because it increases blood circulation, which would essentially help it play the role of the common cycling blood booster EPO. If he’s right, the Gremio players could perform at a significant advantage; not only would they have better stamina over the course of the game, but the prospect of fielding a team of 11 players with full erections would certainly cause an opponent to play slacker defense. There would be room to shoot, for sure.


Here’s the money quote from Endres. You can tell he gave it to a South American source, because there is no way that an American source would ever be this forthright and honest.

“Viagra increases and improves the blood circulation,” Endres said. “It therefore can improve the performances of players at high altitude. I had this illumination by reading a magazine, which wasn’t a medical one: so we decided to elaborate this topic with a scientific test, and now we shall also give an indication to the technical commission.”

Gremio’s medical staff are expected to provide this pill to their players during the games of the Copa Libertadores, in particular when the matches are played above 2,500 metres in Bolivia.

There you go. So, to recap, a South American doctor was reading PENTHOUSE, HUSTLER, JUGGS, (insert your favorite nudie mag here) right after he popped a Viagra, and somehow he thought, “You know, I’ll bet we would play better if our players took these when we go to Bolivia.” In retrospect, he probably could have previewed the results of his own test case by watching the player on the right in the celebratory video below.

That, ladies and gentlemen, may have been the birth of a new athletic revolution, a time when performance and sexual liberation go hand-in-hand, where athletic exploits on the field lead to sexual promiscuity and conquest off it, seamlessly aided by a pill which provides sizable enhancement on both fronts.

Wait, we’re already there? Oh. Well, scratch that. And remind us to stay away from Brazilian soccer matches for awhile. Unless they’re willing to wear really, really loose shorts, we don’t want to see the experimental phase of the newest Viagra era.