Don’t Smoke That Grass - It Might be Lead-Lined

Numerous anecdotal tales about the dangers of synthetic turf haunt professional athletes. We can still remember with sickening detail when Wendell Davis of the Chicago Bears ended his career without contact when he tore both ACLs at Veterans Stadium.

Astroturf and Fieldturf

However, there’s now a new silent killer in synthetic turf: lead. Yes, the same paint additives that helped kill your chance at getting into a decent college when you got the munchies as a kid now permeates the synthetic turf landscape. The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission found two fields in New Jersey that had to be shut down. (Man, New Jersey can’t catch a break.)

Of course, the Synthetic Turf Council released a report immediately that debunked all health concerns and guaranteed the safety of their oft-maligned product. Also: there’s a Synthetic Turf Council. A group of people have devoted a large chunk of their lives promoting and defending synthetic grass.

We’ll add this to our list of excuses why we can never exercise. We might start running and accidentally stumble across a lead-lined synthetic turf field that Lex Luthor has used to hide his Kryptonite stash and then Superman arrives to the trap set for him by Lex and then the field opens up and then we’re thrown 50 feet into the air and we die because Superman is too weak to help.

‘Cause it could happen. And then you’d be sorry for harping on our exercise regimen. Now please hand us another Anchor Steam and a box of Twinkies. We’re sure these are safe.