Dmitri Young is Fat; Greg Maddux is Big-Boned

Do you want to lose that gut but don’t have the motivation? Are the ladies checking you out and rolling their eyes at stomach level? Do you despise exercise so much that you’ve considered building an elaborate Rube Goldberg machine over your couch to lift your beer bottle to your lips? Did you abandon the idea when you realized the word ‘build’ was involved?

Round knights at a table

Welcome to the Greg Maddux Workout Plan! In just three easy steps, you too can turn those flabby abs into a badge of honor! Turn yourself into an athlete without a single athletic endeavor by following these few simple steps that require almost no caloric effort:

Step 1: Get a good publicist!

A healthy outlook on life is all about presentation. If you’re smart (and the Greg Maddux Workout Plan will make you look smart), you’ll find a pro to help present your case. After all, you wouldn’t hire a plumber to fix your car, would you? Hire the expert right for the job. Check out this glowing paragraph from Tom Krasovic in the SAN DIEGO UNION-TRIBUNE:

“Among athletes, Maddux may not look like Mr. Universe, but his career is all-world. And you probably won’t see him answering pointed questions at a congressional hearing anytime soon.”

See that? Maddux has had the focus deflected off his soft middle to his success in baseball. Also, he’s not taking performance enhancers because only huge muscle-bound men take steroids. That’s a true measure of greatness. That’s how Maddux can refer to his “wine gut” in the piece and come off as self-deprecating and not jiggly-drunk.

Compare that to Dmitri Young arriving at camp over three bills last month. (The Washington Nationals claim 298 lbs; that’s trainer sarcasm.) What’s the approach when Barry Svrluga of the WASHINGTON POST checks in?

“… (Young) understood that it is easy to draw conclusions about how he looks. Indeed, there are some in the organization who are disappointed in Young’s conditioning…”

A good publicist would have reined in those team officials and set up a story about Young’s focus on diet during the offseason.

Step 2: Have a strong character witness.

Get someone out in front of the story that has credibility. See how Greg’s team handles this:

““Greg is a lot stronger than he looks,” said Keith Kleven, a physical therapist who began working with Maddux a quarter-century ago and counts Tiger Woods among his clients.”

Bam! Tiger Woods is buff. You work with a guy that works with Tiger Woods, you’re buff! Can you feel your gut just disappearing by the minute? (Don’t look down. It ruins the illusion.) Also, if you can get him to refer to you as “flexible”, all the better.

What does Dmitri do?

“”People who judge, I could really care less what they think,” Young said. “Their opinion means nothing. A lot of people do judge. The only judge I know is God.”"

Dmitri, ask God to be a character witness next time. He’s unimpeachable.

Step 3: Don’t have Type 2 diabetes possibly caused by obesity.

Can you play first base with a girdle on?