Diamondbacks Mascot Joins List of Arizona DUIs

The outbreak of athletes in Arizona with a penchant for dangerous and/or drunk driving (usually while under the influence of bear claws) has been well-documented, but it has not been fully disclosed until now.  The ARIZONA REPUBLIC is reporting this morning that the epidemic extends beyond even the athletes to the mascots themselves.

Baxter the Arizona Diamondbacks mascot

D. Baxter, the Arizona Diamondbacks mascot, was busted for suspected “extreme DUI” in September and hid it under his fur until a few weeks ago.  Once the team found out, he was taken out to the desert and terminated.  From his position.  And just the guy in the suit, David Hamilton. He was driving a car with the D-Backs logo and had the suit in the trunk.

And the suit might have smelled like a college dorm since Hamilton admitted to toking earlier in the day.  (We’re down with the lingo on the streets.  We’re hep to your jive.)  It’s bad enough to be drunk while driving, but don’t be one of those confessional drunks.  And stop crying!  There’s no crying in baseball.  Not that, you know, you’re in baseball anymore.  Still.

And you never know who you’ll meet at your next twelve-step meeting, Mr. Baxter…

Benny the Bull