Derek Jeter Heals Lepers with His Gold Glove

Derek Jeter: Yankees shortstop nonpareil. Acquirer of hot babes like others purchase eggs. And, if MEN’S HEALTH is to be believed this month, the last bastion of integrity and character in all sports.

Derek Jeter Jessica Biel

(All regular guys like Derek Jeter can relate to this)

MEN’S HEALTH gets its face down deep into Jeter’s lap for their April cover story, pointing out his lean frame and declaring him free of performance enhancers with one glance up and down his manly (but not too manly!) form. And then maybe another lingering glance to notice his unassuming attire: jeans and a T-shirt. He’s just like us!

Except, you know, he’s probably seen Jessica Biel and Scarlett Johansson naked. So that’s different.

So tell us what makes Jeter so dreamy, won’t you, MEN’S HEALTH?

“Among Yankees haters, he inspires grudging respect despite the affiliation. There’s no denying the guy plays hard, leads his team, shows class, and never uses his mouth as a firearm.”

How about that long glare at Alex Rodriguez when he can’t get over to shortstop in time to bail Jeter out, blaming him in front of the Hank Steinbrenner-approved Yankee Nation? How about the damnation by silence of Rodriguez? On the other hand, that A-Rod looks awfully bulky. Probably deserves it. Moving on.

Jeter has been fighting haters all his life. He’s mixed-race; haters looked at him funny as a kid. He’s from Kalamazoo; only Glenn Miller thinks anything can come of people from Kalamazoo. However, his love of the Yankees and deep competitive streak pushed him to succeed. (A Yankees fan in Kalamazoo? Didn’t we string LeBron James up for this a year ago?)

Also, he’s entering the twilight of his career with style, just like he should. He’s opening a line of gyms while becoming more like his parents every day: “”I used to laugh when my parents went to bed after 60 Minutes, but now I’m just like them,” he says.” So your parents couldn’t move to their left, either?

We kid Mr. Jeter because he’d be a damned fool not to accept the effusive praise and positive press that helps secure his power in the Yankees organization and financial power outside the team. However, MEN’S HEALTH could come off a bit less cloying in their cover story.

Perhaps they could mention all of his vaunted workouts haven’t saved him from being possibly the worst defensive shortstop in known history. Or perhaps he could be a bit more supportive of all his teammates. None of that would take away from his impressive hitting prowess or winning smile, but they’d make him a human being. Isn’t that more interesting and likable?