Death Match ‘09: Alonzo Mourning Vs. Janet Reno

Alonzo Mourning had a long and distinguished career as a basketball player, it’s true. He was a 7-time All-Star, an NBA champion, and has an Olympic gold medal. He’s good. But in our minds there will always be two and only two things that we think of when someone says the name Alonzo Mourning: The fact he played basketball after getting a new kidney (that takes some guts), and, well, this:

Charles Oakley Alonzo Mourning Jeff Van Gundy

Between those two things, he’s always seemed like more of a caricature than a living, breathing basketball-playing human being. It’s not that we don’t take him seriously as a player, it’s just … well, those are the things that come to mind. So hearing that Miami-Dade County, Florida is planning on naming a freakin’ high school after the guy came, as you might imagine, as a slight surprise. Especially when it’s coming at the expense of the nation’s first female Attorney General, Janet Reno.

It’s not a completely random choice - Mourning and his wife Tracy have done a lot of charitable work for children in the Miami area. That’s great, but it’s hardly on the same level of First Female US Attorney General. Reno also grew up in the area, making her a good role model for local kids, despite never once getting Jeff Van Gundy wrapped around her leg.

As the MIAMI HERALD explains:

The Mournings and Reno are vying for the same title — or at least their supporters are: the future name of North Miami’s newest high school. But with the basketball power couple getting the nod from a public school’s naming committee, North Miami city leaders are calling foul.

”The entire City Council was behind the name Janet Reno,” said Kevin Burns, who was the committee member who suggested Janet Reno High School. “I am not questioning that the Mournings deserve the honor, but I think, for this school, it should either be named after Janet or the geographical area.”

Not questioning the honor? That’s exactly what he’s doing. It’s what we’re doing, as well. Charitable work is great, but other than being Mrs. Alonzo Mourning, what has Tracy Mourning achieved in life that is comparable to Reno? She’s younger and hotter and we salute her for that, but hitting the marriage multi-million dollar lottery isn’t quite the message Miami-Dade County should be sending to its public school students. The nation creeps closer and closer to Idiocracy every day, but at least we’re enjoying the ride.

Ah hell - EVERYBODY DANCE,  NO MOSH PIT!