Death From Above: Pissed Off Owl Mauling Skiers

It’s a chilly moonless night. You take off through the forest to get some cross-country skiing in when no other skiers are on the trail to interrupt you. The recent snowfall muffles all sounds, including the sound of your impending doom. Death takes wing, circling you in the night. With the faintest hint of the sound of feathers, death swoops toward you, razor-sharp talons heading directly for your soft, exposed neck. Have you made peace with your God? Because the Killer Owl of Bangor is about to bring you peace eternal.

Great Horned Owl

Over the past month, a rogue great horned owl has been attacking skiers in the forest of Bangor, Maine. At least eight skiers and a few dogs have been set upon by the serial scratcher, who has caused lacerations but no serious injuries. Yet.

Jim Allen of Bangor said he was skiing in the dark on East Trail in the Rolland F. Perry City Forest when he got hit.”I’ve got my headlamp on, and all of a sudden, I felt a whack in the back of my head and this stinging, and I understood what everybody was talking about,” said Allen, said he who screamed and waved his poles.

“They say … there’s no sound at all when an owl flies. So you don’t hear them coming,” he said. “I believe it. Because I never knew anything was coming. I was just skiing merrily along.”

Authorities have posted signs around the forest warning of owl attacks, but let’s face facts. If this owl wants you dead, you’re already dead.

“It’s the boldest noctural raptor and the one that has the best reputation for the occasionally bizarre,” said Charlie Todd, a wildlife biologist with the state Department of Inland Fisheries and Wildlife.

So lock your doors, keep your children and pets inside, and say your prayers. The Killer Owl of Bangor is watching you.