ATTN Cubicled clock-watchers, the blog Kissing Suzy Kolber has a good, clean way for you to get through the day:

Fun with Family Circus.

APB OUT ON FATSO FAN WHO INJURED OLD LADY AT SHEA: New York NEWSDAY reports that Opening Day at Shea Stadium was a spine-tingling experience for 58-year-old Ellen Massey. But unfortunately, that experience had nothing to do with the play on the field.

Newsday notes, “Shortly after the seventh-inning stretch, she said, a man dressed […]

ANNIKA SORENSTAM DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT IMUS EPISODE: Mike Bianchi of the ORLANDO SENTINEL checked in with the world’s best female golfer yesterday, Annika Sorenstam, to get her take on the Don Imus episode.

Bianchi: “Annika, some derogatory comments were made about the Rutgers women’s basketball team the other day; obviously, you’ve heard about them . . […]

WCNC-TV in Charlotte has the photos from the scene of Michael Waltrip’s drunken escape from police accident:

I would’ve loved to have seen the stealth Commando rescue operation to pry him out of the SUV before police arrived. We should send those guys to Iraq!

JESSE, AL APPARENTLY KEEP QANTAS AIR MILES CURRENT: Amazing that Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton can be so busy getting Don Imus thrown down the stairs …

… while somehow keeping their Qantas air miles current.

ESPN’S SCOTT SAYS “HO” USED AS TERM OF “AFFECTION”: Pity the gang at AOL Fanhouse. In cooking up one of the web’s best sports blogs, they actually endure ESPN radio’s “Mike and Mike” morning show (at least when stuck in the Drive-Thru line waiting for their special-order McGriddles).

This morning Michael David Smith reports that Stuart […]

NO PLEASANTLY SURPRISE OF GROPING AT 2008 OLYMPICS: REUTERS reports that Chinese officials are claiming that the seemingly millions of signs featuring hopelessly fractured English (”Chinglish”) will be removed and replaced with more coherent (and sadly, less amusing directions):

Exhibit A: Beijing’s “Hospital for Anus and Intestine Disease” huge neon sign, which for many years loomed […]

DEVIN HESTER JOINS (SOMETIMES UNFORTUNATE) LIST OF FOLKS ROOT-ROOT-ROOTING FOR THE CUUUUU-BIEEEES: Bears speed demon Devin Hester set yet another hometown Chicago crowd afire, but this time with his Monsters of the Midway melodies as he sang ‘Take Me Out to the Ballgame’ at a recent Cubs contest:

Which such a tear-jerking and ear-obliterating performance […]

SbB presents ten things Canadians do better than USAers:
10) Big Juggs:

9) Game Shows:

Bad Teeth:

7) Donuts:

6) Hair-impaired, jowly guitar rockers:

5) Fast feed:

4) NBA ballers:

3) Largely unidentifiable starch-based, gravy-like, impacted-fat-building substances:

2) Dead News Anchors:

1) Sports Broadcasters

(break a leg, Grapes!)

RUTGERS DIDN’T TAKE GODADDY SUPER BOWL AD TO HEART: Take a guess what happens when you hit NAPPYHO.COM.