Dear fellow Cubs fans:
Below, we have provided a simple slide show taken from last night’s Dodgers-Cubs duel at Wrigley to explain a concept we felt had been covered sufficiently by others numerous times. However, recent evidence proves we must cover this topic again. Please pay attention. There will be a test afterwards. Honest to Caray, there will be a test.
(This object lesson’s for you, Cubs fans.)
(This is a baseball player. He plays for the Los Angeles Dodgers. He has hit the ball towards the third base stands. Please note this information on a “3×5″ lined notecard. It will be useful later.)
(This is Alfonso Soriano, Cubs fans. Although this game is in Wrigley Field, he is wearing the alternate home jersey, which is darker. He still plays for your team. Again, note this on your card. According to one bleacher regular, the Cubs organization has set security guards all around the left field stands to keep anyone from booing the fragile soul or otherwise prevent him from doing his best. Let’s see how that works in foul ground, shall we?)
(He is trying to catch the ball batted by the Dodgers hitter. Remember him from before? Good.)
(Oh oh… what’s wrong with this picture, Cubs fans?)
(Yes, that’s right! There are many mistakes with this picture. First, if you’re over 12, don’t bring a glove to the game. Build some calluses, wouldja? Second, wear a hat when it’s cold. Didn’t your mother teach you anything? Third, STOP PUTTING YOUR ARM OUT INTO THE FIELD OF PLAY WHEN A BALL IS BATTED IN YOUR DIRECTION. JACK BRICKHOUSE WEEPS IN HEAVEN ABOVE WHEN YOU ACT THE FOOL.)
(See? Same damned spot in the stands!)
(Seriously, you two are so lucky he caught that ball.)
(Soriano gives you a mean glare. If you get a mean glare from the team you play for, you done screwed up. That’s one to grow on.)
(A nice long stare. He’d like words with those two after the show. Perhaps autograph your spleen with your carotid artery. Be sure to wait by the players’ parking lot after the game.)
(Remember Sunday? Soriano doesn’t need your help dropping the baseball. Why don’t you just reach back for your beer next time instead of injecting yourself into the game just so you can tell everyone what a badass you were when you caught it when they ask you why there’s a scuffed baseball in Plexiglass between your bowling trophy and your Ron Cey waddle-head doll on your faux-brick mantle? We bet you weren’t even going to hand it to a kid seated next to you. Douchenozzle.)
We hope this little photo essay has been both educational and entertaining. We also hope we don’t have to deal with this at tomorrow’s game. We’ll be there. We’re bringing a glove. That we filled with cement. G’wan… reach out for the ball, Poindexter. Expose the ribs.