Crowning The World’s Best At Having Fake Sex

Brooks can take this job and shove it. I don’t need to be a blogger anymore, because I’ve found my true calling in life. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, the North American Air Sex Championships.

Air Sex

Picture air guitar, but with less strumming and more bumming. Less twanging and more banging. Less plucking, and you get the picture. And just like real sex, it has to be done in under two minutes. But that’s plenty of time to get ridiculously creative.

Video after the jump.

Most of the contestants rehearse their routines, and many are seasoned improv performers. It’s not just about the sex — though there was one stripper who didn’t get the idea and just performed her usual routine — it’s about telling a story.

Second place last year went to a woman who dressed as Sarah Palin and seduced John McCain while a polar bear in S&M gear looked on. For her preliminary round, she dressed as George W. Bush and violated a blow-up globe.

First place? That would be Sad Larry, who mimed a broken man making sweet love to a framed photo of his ex, paper cuts and all.

Veteran air humper, host and judge Chris Trew said a typical evening’s repertoire consists of “someone making a political statement,” someone embarrassing a friend on her birthday, and someone “wearing the shirt of a rival college and having sex with an animal.”

My own sex routine’s still in the planning stages, but I’m going to go from experience. It begins and ends with apologizing and tears, and if I knew what would make a good middle part, well then I wouldn’t need to be having pretend air sex, now would I, smart guy?