As Billy Crystal often said while donning his Fernando persona, it is better to look good than to feel good, my darlings. Soccer heartthrob Cristiano Ronaldo, on vacation in Sardinia, agrees. I wouldn’t want to tangle with this guy in a bar fight. Wait, maybe I would.

Far be it from me to question anyone’s fashion choices, but I believe that this dynamic cap/flower/shorts combo was actually banned when the California Supreme Court upheld Proposition 8. Here are some more action photos, one of which shows the mysterious bald man rubbing Ronaldo’s abs. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

And are those … pearls? Look, most of us men at one time or another — or always — have allowed the women in our lives to dress us. But at some point there has to be a line of demarcation — a Fashion Treaty in which the guy is allowed to distinguish himself from Katherine Heigl. This is just wrong.

But it should go over well with Manchester United fans, who are widely known for their acceptance of diversity and tolerance of effeminate fashion choices. The fact that Ronaldo led their team to a 2-0 loss in the Champions League final, missing a penalty kick and earning a yellow card along the way, should only add to their glee.

For dressing like this during a non-designated costume day such as Halloween or Mardi Gras, Cristiano Ronaldo earns the first-ever pink card.