Let’s face it: LeBron James is at the level right now where unless his team takes the NBA Championship, his season is a bitter disappointment. With those epic expectations, the vast majority of his career will probably be a pressure-filled letdown. And who wants that? Especially when he can walk away from the court and instead lend his prodigious talents to the world of pornography instead.
(Hey, this is a perfect fit! We’re sure Tom Brady won’t mind; it’s nothing new for Gisele.)
The IVY LEAGUE PORNOGRAPHER has done us the service of musing about whether LeBron would make a good - ahem - male lead. Everything’s SFW except for some sporadic language, but mind where you click out, y’know. So what’s his future going to be, Dirk Nowitzki or Dirk Diggler?
[Male rooster] size. The biggest X-factor, obviously. Stereotypes dictate that LeBron’s “carrying” a “huge hog,” but you can’t count on that. A sculpted, beaming professional athlete might be a promising sight in a porn-draft, but without a penis of concomitant size, he’s just not selling tapes. The celeb factor will get you in the door; but after a few viewings, your average porn fan’s going to want at least 8 inches, thick. With no reports coming in as yet, this remains an interesting can’t-tell.
(Will porn star & former gubernatorial candidate Mary Carey [L] bring her colossal cans to the Cavs’ courtside to complement LeBron’s long john?)
It would obviously be a letdown if LeBron weren’t slinging a parking meter, if only for the same reason as people were upset when POPULAR MECHANICS said Jesus Christ was probably only 5′3″. “Do you know who you’re talking about? Of course he was huge! He’s practically immortal! C’mon!”
The pornographer then goes on to consider other basketball players who would be a logical fit for a career in the adult entertainment business - perhaps Nike’s got a porn-unfriiendly contract with LeBron in place - before settling on one man. We won’t spoil it, but we think you know exactly who it is, especially since his heritage is also a popular way of keeping the hedges trimmed (you’ll see).
One thing we don’t understand, however, is the worrying about the quality (and quantity) of LeBron’s ejaculation. Yes, this can be hit or miss (no pun intended); after all, you can’t tell Peter North’s testicles hold buckets of semen just by looking at him in a basketball uniform or anything. Still, this shouldn’t be a concern, as we all know exactly what LeBron’s money shot would look like.