You might not know the name Adam Frey. No, this isn’t the author Oprah just apologized to. Adam is a 23-year-old Cornell wrestler whose life completely changed last March after he got into a one-car accident on his way to class. Shockingly, he was unhurt in what looked like a brutal crash. But the news he learned at the hospital afterward was far worse than any injury he could’ve sustained in the accident.
A CAT scan taken to make sure he didn’t have any internal bleeding revealed that he was walking around with several tumors on his lungs, kidneys, and liver. A guy who had never smoked or done drugs and had been in incredible shape his whole life had cancer. He’s been documenting his battle with the disease online at ADAMFREY.US for the past year, and his latest blog entry is heartbreaking to say the least.
Adam has gathered a large following because of the honesty with which he addresses his situation. And today’s entry about his latest trip to the doctor is so brutally honest that you can’t help but be deeply affected by it:
I got to sit there and get a detailed description of how I am probably going to die. It freakin sucks. It all sucks. You want me to be honest, I’ll be honest. I’m done with the positive, I have not very long to live from most professionals, and I feel ripped off, cheated, stressed, and everything else. I feel pains and most of the time, my life is a living hell. All that hard work to get screwed. I cannot even say that hard work and values work in this world, because they don’t. I busted my ass as hard as the next person, and for what? The average death row inmate lives longer than I do. Most live 15-20 years…after being sentenced. Ironic isn’t it?
I had dreams, aspirations, I wanted to be president. I wanted to be a father. Maybe even graduate college. That is slowly going to hell in a hand basket. And please, don’t tell me to fight, or be positive, or any of that stupid bull$#%&. This is something you cannot fight. You just sit there and take it and hope it works. A lot of times I wish I could be put down, just humanely euthanized like an old dog. I’m not that lucky, I get to go through organ failure, hospitals, being hooked to tubes, the whole bit. It sucks.
It’s hard to even respond to that. It seems so trivial to say something like “that’s so terrible” or “I can’t imagine what he’s feeling” because there’s nothing you can say that can adequately address how awful and scary it must feel to be in his shoes right now. I think what makes it so tough to read is that you instinctively insert yourself into the situation, and start asking yourself questions that you don’t want to deal with right now. Namely: Do I have any regrets with how I’ve lived my life?
Adam addresses that question himself:
Its just a waste. I feel like everyone thats been there, helped me along, all my hard work, just pointless. If I was told a while ago that I was going to die so young, I would have had more fun, hung out with more friends, did so much different.
So much of the anxiety in our life is about the future. What are we going to be doing in 10 years? Are we going to have enough money for retirement? Sometimes it takes reading something like this to realize that we should be spending more time worrying about living now because you never know when it’s going to be over.